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31 Drabbles of Solstice #13: Sherlock Crack Miscellany [Dec. 17th, 2010|02:39 pm]
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Something Completely Different



Assistance urgently
required. Come at once.
I'll buy you dinner.

SH



The promise of food rarely means anything good, so John begs off the remainder of his shift on grounds that he's feeling under the weather. Fortunately, he doesn't have to fake it (much), as he'd been up until five in the morning, and Sarah had told him on his way in that he looked like death warmed over (twice). By the time John reaches Bart's, he's missed Mike for the day, so there's no chance of any diversion should what he finds in the mortuary turn out be completely unmanageable.

John stops in the doorway, trying to process what he sees.

Sherlock is examining a corpse's teeth with his magnifier, Molly is collecting samples of God-knows-what from under its toenails, and there are kittens wandering aimlessly about their feet, mewling pitifully. There are four of them, and they can't be any more than three or four weeks old. One is huddled next to Molly's stockinged ankle, apparently terrified, and the other three are busy either playing with Sherlock's untied shoelaces or trying to climb his trouser legs. It's cuter than it ought to be.

"A little help?" he asks, not looking up. He obviously means the kittens.

John doesn't waste any time crossing the room to crouch next to Sherlock at the gurney, holding out a tentative hand to the inquisitive calico. She sniffs at John suspiciously, gives a soft chirp, and then butts her head up under his palm. John grabs her, along with the other two, who object loudly to being removed from their playthings. John doesn't bother with the kitten crouched beside Molly, as it seems quiet and mostly well-behaved. Or, again, terrified. It's hard to tell.

"Would you mind explaining?" John asks, struggling to keep the kittens balanced in his arms. The calico has crawled under his coat, where it's purring loudly, possibly with intent to sleep, but the other two are fussing at each other with claws drawn.

"Aren't they sweet?" Molly asks, tweezering something miniscule into a plastic baggie. "I found them on my way in. Somebody had just left them under a hedge about a block from my flat. I couldn't have left them; they'd have frozen."

"And your superior doesn't have any problem with this?" asks John, incredulously. He's never minded animals, but he prefers not to have them thrust upon him.

"He doesn't know," Molly says, biting her lip. "He's on holiday already."

"I see," John says. The calico does, indeed, seem to be asleep, and the other two have settled down to alternately staring up at him and kneading at his coat.

"I thought we might take one," says Sherlock, offhandedly.

"You thought we might what?"

"Take one," Sherlock repeats, snapping shut his magnifier and rising. He reaches out and scratches behind the ears of the pair in John's arms. "Molly's landlord won't take kindly to four, but she thinks she could persuade him to let her keep two. She thinks she's already found a home for one of them, not counting our offer."

"Our offer?" John echoes. "Sherlock, have you discussed this with Mrs. Hudson?"

"She'll raise the rent by fifty quid a month," Sherlock replies.

John would like to strangle Sherlock, but the kittens make that nigh on impossible.

"Please say you'll take one, at least for now," Molly begs.

Under his breath, Sherlock is muttering about fucking idiots who abandon kittens.

"Oh, for Christ's sake," John sighs. "All right."

"The one inside your coat will do," Sherlock says. "If that's all right with Molly?"

"Yep," Molly says, scooping up the black kitten at her feet. "This girl's mine."

John studies the two awake in his arms. They're white with black patches.

"Who's taking one of these lucky fellows?"

"Priyanka," Molly says. "She works in reception."

Sherlock, who appears to be done with whatever he was doing, takes one of the black and white kittens away from John. It promptly climbs up Sherlock's scarf and attempts to settle itself on Sherlock's shoulder as he wanders over to bin his gloves. Sherlock takes it down and tucks it into the crook of his elbow, as if kitten-handling were par for the course in his line of work. Maybe he's had loads of cases dealing with cats.

"Excellent," he says, smiling at Molly. It feels genuine this time, not his usual faking-it. "We'll leave you with these three," he says, taking the other black-and-white away from John and setting both of them down on the floor. They skitter over to Molly's feet, their wide, wary eyes still fixed on Sherlock.

"Right, then," John says, prodding the warm lump in his coat. It mews.

"We'll be off," Sherlock tells Molly. "Happy Christmas."

"To you, too," she says, and then, when they're nearly out the door, "Let me know what you name her! And tell me what she thinks of Mrs. Hudson!"

"Pain in the arse," John mutters, but the truth is that the little calico is awake now and peering up at him with huge, intelligent green eyes, and he thinks he might be just a little bit in love. Sherlock scratches behind her ear, winking.

"Doesn't suit her," he says. "We'll discuss it over dinner."



Driving Mrs. Hudson


"Remind me what we're doing here?" John asks, poking at his fish and chips.

"It's Mrs. Hudson's birthday," Sherlock reminds him, hands wrapped around a sickly-sweet cup of coffee. "She's always wanted to visit this place, and she asked us to spend the day with her. Somehow, we assented."

"Right," John says, downing a mouthful of chips. "But, Dickensworld. Really."

"Here we are," Sherlock says, spreading his arms wide. "Hiding from the multitude of pseudo-Victorian horrors right here in this not-so-historically-accurate concession. What did you think of the Peter Pan Panto? A bit overdone, one feels."

"I'm not answering that question," John mutters, sipping his tea.

"And we've got approximately seventy-five minutes left till Mrs. Hudson's out of the Senior Screen showing of Eat Pray Love."

"Dessert?" John asks. "I mean, once I've finished this lot?"

"I've always been rather partial to candy-floss," admits Sherlock, grinning.



Back Away Slowly


Sherlock slams the heavy iron door and stalks around to where John's been standing on the other side of the Plexiglas barrier. He'd attempted to persuade the guards to let John go in with him, but apparently the rule was one interrogator at a time. The man at the table is watching them intently through the barrier.

"There's no getting anything out of him," Sherlock mutters. "Fancy a go?"

John vehemently shakes his head.

"Won't go near him, thanks. You're just about the level of insane I can tolerate."

"Why do you think he does it? Never mind the antics; I'm talking about the costume."

"Anybody's guess," John says. "The world makes more sense to him that way."

"I'd rather feared that was the answer," Sherlock sighs.

The man grins knowingly, scars distended, waving cheerfully as they depart.
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: mysterypoet66
2010-12-17 02:54 pm (UTC)

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KITTENS! (I am such a soppy thing, really.) Although "Back Away Slowly," put a rather fierce chill up my spine.
Again - KITTENS!
XD
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:44 pm (UTC)

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John has the right idea. Stay the fuck away from the actual madman.

Thank you very much ♥ Kittens for all!
[User Picture]From: verasteine
2010-12-17 03:14 pm (UTC)

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Candyfloss, my god, how disgusting. Oh well, now we know why he's always bouncing around and never settling :). Loved the kittens. Snuggly and cute! And the last one was appropriately scary... ♥
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:44 pm (UTC)

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When Arkham Asylum turned up in a Sherlock request, I knew I'd be sticking TDK-verse Joker in there :-P

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: mistyzeo
2010-12-17 03:25 pm (UTC)

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Kittens!!! \o/
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:43 pm (UTC)

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Kittens indeed
[User Picture]From: pollums
2010-12-17 03:26 pm (UTC)

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Oh christ I want to know what happens in the kittenverse. And Bats and Holmes crossovers oh god
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:43 pm (UTC)

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Kittenverse will get a sequel. You and like three other people have talked me into it ♥ The Hog Fuzz crossover from like a week ago will also be getting a sequel.

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: alizarin_nyc
2010-12-17 03:57 pm (UTC)

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Okay, you did kittens. Dammit! And I loved it. Dammit! Kittens.

(I rescue kittens, so I am very familiar with their wee faces and kitten antics. I definitely think John and Sherlock need a cat).

Kittens!
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:42 pm (UTC)

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I could use some kittens right about now, for sure.

Thank you ♥
[User Picture]From: mauvais_pli
2010-12-17 04:13 pm (UTC)

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My mind is now stuck on Sherlock and kittens. *blinks*
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:41 pm (UTC)

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The prompt was just that: Sherlock & kittens. My brain decided that John, Sherlock, Molly, and kittens in the mortuary was an even better idea. So...

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: kate_lear
2010-12-17 04:31 pm (UTC)

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I'm going to repeat the widespread adoration of the kitten drabble! It was gorgeous! I would so love to see what happens when they get him/her home.

& the idea of Sherlock after vast amounts of candy floss made me laugh. This might explain quite a bit in the way of mad rooftop-jumping!
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:40 pm (UTC)

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As I've said below, this one will be earmarked for a follow-up (like the Hot Fuzz crossover has been).

Thank you very much. And yes, hyper does come to mind...
[User Picture]From: katarzi
2010-12-17 04:51 pm (UTC)

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♥ ♥ ♥ Wee, thank you for the kittens! And you made it a calico, too - being owned by one I can attest to their absolute insanity haha. As my favourite cat judge says, calicoes are half sweet and half nuts (and therefore the best haha, though I'm partial to my gingers too).
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:40 pm (UTC)

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I've always loved calicos, second only to Siamese ♥

Thank you very much!
[User Picture]From: gothikmaus
2010-12-17 04:53 pm (UTC)

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Aww, kittens! <3
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:39 pm (UTC)

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Indeed ♥ Kittens for all!
[User Picture]From: anon_aspasia
2010-12-17 05:36 pm (UTC)

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I'm jumping on the kitten bandwagon; I kind of love this one, and I'm very curious about what happens next. What do they name her, and how does a wee kitten react to the sights, smells, and sounds of 221B?
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:39 pm (UTC)

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This might be another ficlet from this whole project that needs earmarking for a follow-up (the other one already earmarked for a follow-up is the Hot Fuzz crossover).

Thank you, I'll give this some thought ♥
[User Picture]From: teithiwr
2010-12-17 05:45 pm (UTC)

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Kittens. ♥__♥ Again with the warm, fuzzy feelings.

Also, yaaaaay Joker! \o/
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:38 pm (UTC)

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I have no clue what Sherlock was questioning him about, but clearly, he got nowhere.

Thank you ♥
[User Picture]From: falling_voices
2010-12-17 06:23 pm (UTC)

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Kittens! &hearts you write so them well, too — the general adorableness of them and the way they'll just irritate you to no end but look so sweet you can't get mad at them. Not really. Because they just look at you. That's spot on. (Oh, and how much I love that your Sherlock is so receptive to cats? that's a whole lot.)

That said, Dickensworld? that exists? seriously?
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:36 pm (UTC)

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Seriously. Dickensworld actually exists. karadin 's request was: characters of your choice visit Dickensworld. My reaction was pretty much the same as what you're seeing from John and Sherlock above :-P

Thank you! And yes, I miss being looked at by kittens.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:37 pm (UTC)

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It worked a lot better than I'd initially thought! The kittens, I mean :)

Well, given the man at the table with the scars is the Joker (TDK-verse, as indicated by one of the tags on this entry), you've just seen Sherlock's reaction (and John's, too).

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: clarkoholic
2010-12-17 06:46 pm (UTC)

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Sherlock and John and Kittens

IZ DED
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 06:47 pm (UTC)

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At first, I was thinking, like, OMG SIX KITTENS or something similar, but then I thought, no, that's mean, they're in the goddamned mortuary. Four will suffice ;)

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: beansidhe_baby
2010-12-17 07:02 pm (UTC)

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Oh my god the image of not only Sherlock with kittens climbing up his leg and playing with his shoelaces but John with one in his coat is so cute I might actually break something with the squee <3
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:04 pm (UTC)

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Having carried kittens in my coat many times, I heartily recommend this practice <3

Thank you very much!
[User Picture]From: darthhellokitty
2010-12-17 07:07 pm (UTC)

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Ahhhh, kittens! Our Rose is a torby - tortoiseshell colors with tabby markings - and thus in the same general area as a calico, i.e. mad and bossy. We think she was 3-4 weeks when we got her, so this brings back memories. :-) She's 12 now; most recent kitten was Mirah, mostly white and seriously evil (to everyone but Calvin the pug, who she is very close to) - she'd be the perfect kitten for Jim. XD
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:10 pm (UTC)

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I'd be afraid to let Jim anywhere near an animal, for some reason. If he can toy with humans the way he does, God only knows... *shudder*

Your cats sound delightful! And thank you.
[User Picture]From: mogwai_do
2010-12-17 07:11 pm (UTC)

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AWWWW! I needed kitten fic and I had no idea how much until I read that - thanks :)

Also, Joker fic = definitely creepy...
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:13 pm (UTC)

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Thanks on both counts. Kittens all around :)

Counteracts the creepy, you see.
[User Picture]From: elethoniel
2010-12-17 07:16 pm (UTC)

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1) KITTENS!! Adorable ♥

2) Huzzah for Rochester and Dickensworld (really, it's not *that* bad though, I quite enoyed it when I went there, lol... but as an English Graduate I guess that's a given, heh). Was at the Dickens Christmas fair this past weekend (they say Dickens, really they're just piggy-backing off him. It was a German Christmas Market!! Haha, still awesome though).

3) Daamn, is that dude the Joker? He's so many levels of crazy.
eta: Nvm, just read your tags, haha. I fail at deduction D:

Edited at 2010-12-17 07:19 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:27 pm (UTC)

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I haven't been to Dickensworld, but given I kind of loathe most of what I've read from his corpus, the idea of having to fill a request that stipulates the characters visit there was kind of...trying. I tried, anyway. Having been there would have helped, but I don't know if I would have enjoyed myself!

Yep, that dude is totally the Joker. Sherlock did the sensible thing and gave up.

Thank you ♥
[User Picture]From: quantumdoll
2010-12-17 07:17 pm (UTC)

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Wow, I didn't think Sherlock at Christmas could get any better, and then I see kittens thrown in there as well. These are gorgeous little fics as usual, I love the one with the Joker as well. I'm really not sure how Sherlock would react to someone like him...
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:29 pm (UTC)

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I'm hoping tomorrow's batch, which is the final batch (wow, how'd they go so fast?), will actually be the finale, but I don't know if I can actually outdo a) yesterday's fortuitous linking thread or b) kittens ♥ Thank you.

As for Joker, well, Sherlock did the sensible thing and walked away. He got really impatient, I think, and was in no mood to play games. His demeanor annoyed Sherlock more than anything!
[User Picture]From: thornsilver
2010-12-17 07:25 pm (UTC)

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I am glad you promising more kittens.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 07:29 pm (UTC)

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♥ No problem!
[User Picture]From: gideon_harker
2010-12-17 08:45 pm (UTC)

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All three are great...but kittens! Sherlock handling kittens is cute overload...also somehow sexy?!
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 09:10 pm (UTC)

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Well, he's good at making nearly anything sexy ;)

Thank you!
[User Picture]From: lhune
2010-12-17 08:56 pm (UTC)

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'It's cuter than it ought to be.'
I love the kittens!

[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 09:11 pm (UTC)

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Awww, thank you :)
[User Picture]From: zephyr_macabee
2010-12-17 09:12 pm (UTC)

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I am totally freaked out at the thought of kittens underfoot in the morgue.....ewwww! The floors in those places are frequently splattered with very nasty substances.

Sherlock and cotton candy sends my mind to my happy place (too cute).

Sherlock and the Joker....that is beyond scary.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 09:13 pm (UTC)

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True, not the safest of places for kittens. Molly was in a bit of a bind :-P

Thanks, glad you liked these!
[User Picture]From: squeeful
2010-12-17 09:16 pm (UTC)

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OMG KITTENS!
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 09:17 pm (UTC)

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:-D
[User Picture]From: coldlikedeath
2010-12-17 09:30 pm (UTC)

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KITTENS! JESUS! KITTENS! ON SHERLOCK'S SHOULDER! AWWWWWWWWW.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2010-12-17 10:32 pm (UTC)

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One of my cats, as a kitten, loved climbing up on people's shoulders to get a view of everything. It was the most adorable habit.

Thank you <3
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