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GO Summer Prompt Fill #8: Tutorial [Jul. 8th, 2012|11:57 pm]
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Title: Tutorial
Pairing/Characters: Aziraphale/Crowley, Anathema and the twins
Rating: PG-13 / R
Notes: Since sovay's request had the next highest number of votes in the poll, the premise of this one is: It is extremely entertaining to watch an angel be embarrassed, especially when it's by a request to translate a medieval sex manual from the Latin. I had hoped to be able to quote the manual I chose to work with, but none of the libraries around here seem to have the only accessible modern edition (which is in Spanish); with the aid of an English-language review of said edition, therefore, I've cobbled this together. Once again, this can be read as a stand-alone, but fits in here.
Notes: Crowley's first warning should've been the giggling.


Crowley's first warning should've been the giggling. He'd scarcely dropped one sand-and-soil encrusted flip-flop on the kitchen tile when the sound started right back up where it had left off, a terrible chorus of just-post-pubescent female glee.

And Aziraphale, which about put the icing on the proverbial cream cake.

Anathema sat at the kitchen table, calm as you please, surrounded by legal tomes.

"Hi," she said, briefly looking up from her laptop, fledgling crows' feet crinkling at the corners of her eyes. "Aziraphale's put the twins to work on that shipment you two just got from London. I've had a look through myself. Rather amazing stuff."

Crowley wiggled his other foot free of the remaining flip-flop, attempting a smile.

"You're here to use the library, then, as it were?"

"No, it's for one of the twins' courses. They're taking a medieval literature seminar. I mentioned it to Aziraphale on the phone the other day, and he said they might enjoy helping him pick apart what was coming in from his last safety deposit box."

Autumn-term freshers' whimsy, Crowley thought grimly, dusting his hands off on his jeans. It ought not to be allowed. "Didn't know they were both reading English at uni," he said casually. Or anything other than Twilight, for that matter.

"Much to the department's chagrin, they are," said Anathema. "How's the garden?"

"Putting on airs," said Crowley, distractedly, searching for the bottle of red wine he'd only half drunk the night before. "You'd better take those potted tomato starters I've left at the foot of the drive. I can't let them stay. It'd be too good for morale."

"Your crazy is incomprehensible," Anathema said, typing away, "but it's cute."

Crowley yanked the cork free of the bottle and answered her with a silent toast before following the sound of teenage wittering through the kitchen and down the hall.

Eighteen year-old hellions in the office meant eighteen year-old hellions in the bedroom. He wondered if he and Aziraphale were going to have to negotiate a surreptitiously miracled addition, or, perish the thought, hire actual builders. He nudged the cracked door wide, only to discover a scene far worse than he'd been expecting.

The twins' dark heads, previously bent over the fragile-looking manuscript Aziraphale had just opened before them on the duvet, shot up in tandem. They were sitting on the bed, all three of them sitting on the bed with a thing that might have bookworms.

"Off," Crowley said, taking another very long drink. "Now."

"My dear, what have I told you about open wine bottles and fragile stock—"

"You don't have a shop anymore; ergo, it's no longer stock, and your argument is invalid." Crowley pointed the bottle at the one he thought was Janet, impatiently snapping his fingers. "Oi! Feet off the pillows. Those linens cost more than your life."

"Told you, Nat," said the one who was actually Janet. "He's proper fussy."

Natalie curled her legs tightly under herself with a muttered sorry.

Aziraphale had fixed Crowley with the sort of look that strongly suggested he'd be in for several days' worth of semi-silent treatment in favor of the newly arrived vermin with crumbling pages. Far worse than mice, in Crowley's estimation.

Crowley sighed in defeat and sat down on the edge of the bed opposite them, setting the wine bottle on the floor. "Now that I'm here, you might as well share with the class," he said, leaning over to squint at the vellum beneath the angel's fingers.

"Your Latin's as good as mine at least," Aziraphale demurred. "Why don't you translate? The girls are ever so keen on a firsthand lesson. Lecturers are so very out of touch with the young people of today. It's dreadfully unfortunate."

Crowley gave him a stupefied blink. Wasn't he the one who'd been drinking?

"But you're, er, you know, more the literary, ah, type." The letter-forms were actually starting to make sense even through the protective barrier of his sunglasses.

As if she'd been reading his mind, Janet leaned forward and yanked them off his face.

"There, that's better," she said smugly.

Crowley caught Aziraphale's approving nod out of the corner of his eye.

Right. He'd not be shown up by his complete git of a lover and two witch-brats.

"Incipit liber de Coytu," Crowley read aloud. "Creator volens animalium genus firmiter—wait, hold on." The part of his brain that translated everything automatically had been thrown by the fourteenth-century spelling, but as soon as Coytu resolved itself into Coitu, he wondered if Anathema would come after him with one of those impressively heavy volumes because he'd exposed her youngest daughters to...

"You were doing just fine," said Aziraphale, sweetly. "Continue."

Janet looked fiercely puzzled, but Natalie had one hand over her mouth and was trying desperately not to laugh. Somebody had paid attention during sixth-form Latin.

"What?" asked Janet, irritably. "What's so funny? What's it say?"

Crowley cleared his throat and picked the book up, relocating it to his lap.

"Liber de CoytuCoitu, if you like—means Book of Coitus. Have you got that?"

Janet opened her mouth and then shut it again; Natalie punched her arm.

"It's a book about sex, you numpty. The title means Book of Sex, in fact."

"Cor! What kind of sex? Is it all that Kama Sutra stuff?"

Aziraphale gave Crowley another cheerfully expectant look, which was completely unfair, because by then his face was probably ten shades of red and, yes, Anathema was going to squash him like an insect when word of this got out.

Bugger this for a game of soldiers, thought Crowley, and picked up the bottle.

"Let's see," he said, idly flipping forward a few folios. "What have we got? This first bit here is all about how God wants you to enjoy sex—no, really—as long as you're down with making babies, and, oh, this here's really ace—you could horrify your father with the delightfully poor grasp medieval minds had of male anatomy, and then—"

Janet looked kind of traumatized, and Natalie, who had edged forward so she could read along as Crowley flipped through and took a drink every few pages, was laughing so hard that her tears were in more danger of damaging the pages than the wine.

Aziraphale tried to insinuate himself between Natalie and Crowley, but it was no use.

"There are, well, complications," Crowley said, tapping the page on which he'd come to rest. "Lack of...vigor, you understand. Maybe you know all about that; kids and self-temptation these days, eh? Look, natural aphrodisiacs! Also, there's more on the benefits," he added, flipping forward to the next quire at a speed that caused Aziraphale to turn slightly purple. "Has a calming effect on the high-strung."

"What does?" croaked Janet, just as her sister's hysterics started afresh.

"Orgasm, of course," said Aziraphale, tartly, finally working a determined arm in, and snapped the book shut one-handed. "That will be quite enough for today."

Natalie flopped onto her back and wiped her eyes, grinning. Her head was almost in Crowley's lap. "You should come do our next seminar," she told him.

Janet gave Aziraphale an imploring look, touching the manuscript's delicate binding.

"Can I borrow that?" she asked shyly.

"That's it, off you go," said Aziraphale. "Here endeth the lesson."

The twins disappeared in a scuffle of bare, painted toenails and hastily snatched-up bags. Crowley drank the last of the wine, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

"I hope you realize that was cruel and unusual in the extremest sense of both words."

Aziraphale grimaced and set the book gingerly down on his desk.

"They'll be grateful of it one day, I have no doubt."

"Natalie already knows which way's up and what goes where," said Crowley, grimly.

Aziraphale sat down beside him on the mattress, sighing heavily.

"They grow up so fast," he lamented. "Sophia and Adam—"

"Wedding's not till spring," Crowley reminded him, leaning into Aziraphale's shoulder.

Just then, Anathema peeked in the door and gave them a double thumbs-up.

"Gotta go," she said. "Thanks, you've sorted Janet out for a week at least."

Once she'd gone, with girls and tomatoes in tow, Crowley flopped onto the duvet.

Aziraphale returned from the window, where he'd been waving, and joined him.

"Calms one right down, does it?" Crowley ventured, sobering up slightly.

"I should know," Aziraphale replied, brushing back Crowley's hair. "It works on you."


—Continue: Rip Tide
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: sovay
2012-07-09 04:23 am (UTC)

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oh, this here's really ace—you could horrify your father with the delightfully poor grasp medieval minds had of male anatomy

Approve.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-09 04:25 am (UTC)

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Lacking a brother to torment, of course, their father's the next most logical target. Or their older sister's fiancé, but as he's the erstwhile Antichrist and also very good-humored? Not so much.

I'm glad you do!
[User Picture]From: sabrinaphynn
2012-07-09 04:29 am (UTC)

Still giggling here in my happy corner...

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And I have a pair of cucumber plants for Crowley to terrorize into submission...
Seriously, this is just perfect. So full of tender loving humor and affection born of years of tormenting each other by knowing just what drives the other nuts.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-09 04:35 am (UTC)

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I'm very, very glad the Device-Pulsifer kids turned up in the crop of OCs I'm bent on cultivating in this fic 'verse, if only because they provide so many endlessly amusing opportunities to put Crowley in a tight spot. Kids these days!

Thank you so much :)
[User Picture]From: ladymouse2
2012-07-09 05:29 am (UTC)

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Giggling right along with the twins--I too, dearly love these characters.

And tight spot though he's been thrust into, never let it be said a certain demon can't rise stylishly to an occasion and turn the tease (and the blush)around.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 09:58 pm (UTC)

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Well, he's had enough of teens and twentysomethings crushing on him of late, so I'm sure that this was very, very sweet revenge...and that he was really only able to work up the nerve to do it courtesy of the wine ;) I think if he'd have tried to pull that off sober, he'd have been even more embarrassed than Aziraphale was in the end.

Thank you very much!
[User Picture]From: titc
2012-07-09 05:44 am (UTC)

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heee!
Also, the last line: WEEEEE \o/
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 09:58 pm (UTC)

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I'm glad to be writing lighthearted stuff even if I'm not necessarily feeling lighthearted. Glad to hear you enjoyed this; thank you so very much!
[User Picture]From: peach_megumi
2012-07-09 02:14 pm (UTC)

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Hee. Oh, goodness. This was adorable and amusing. These two are always wonderful, and I absolutely adore what you've done with Anathema and her family.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 09:59 pm (UTC)

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Anathema and her daughters are one of my very great joys when it comes to the OCs I've developed for use in CoS 'Verse and CoT 'Verse both. CoS 'Verse is a closed-off AU at this point, not likely to ever be added to further at all, but this one, CoT, is so very much alive, and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can. It's one of very few happy places I have left.

Thank you <3
[User Picture]From: ida_pea
2012-07-09 02:35 pm (UTC)

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Janet gave Aziraphale an imploring look, touching the manuscript's delicate binding.

"Can I borrow that?" she asked shyly.

"That's it, off you go," said Aziraphale. "Here endeth the lesson."


Ah, Crowley and Aziraphale keeping it real with the young people! I love Natalie and Janet. It's nice to see more of them. This is such a sweet and charming story, and I'm so happy the request got filled. I could tell Crowley was really enjoying himself there for a bit, winding the kids up. ;)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 10:03 pm (UTC)

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Well, he was tipsy enough not to lose his nerve, and also, he's about had it with teens and twentysomethings crushing on him lately. You know, I dread any situation that will ever put the twins and Mandy in the same room with Crowley. Which I think could be arranged with frightening ease, especially if Aziraphale decided to set up a lunch-date with Anathema at the café and she happens to have the twins in tow, or, worse yet, if it's a dinner-date where the kids are definitely meant to be there, Sophia and Adam too, oh, geez, this nebulous notion of a story covering the events surrounding the spring wedding is just looming up so fast I can't put the breaks on. Catastrophe!
[User Picture]From: paper_tzipporah
2012-07-09 03:01 pm (UTC)

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Adorable! You write perfectly charming Aziraphale/Crowley -- it's everything that made me love GO fic back in the day, and it reminds me why I still love this fandom.
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 10:05 pm (UTC)

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It's one of those fandoms that seems to be on a good, slow burn that will never quite go away. For the past seven...no, wait, eight-ish...years of my fannish life, other fandoms have come and gone, but Good Omens has been my heart's unwavering home. And I can think of few better places to have built my proverbial treehouse, really.

Thank you <3
[User Picture]From: sejitsu
2012-07-10 03:02 am (UTC)

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This really brightened my day. Your fics always do, but I especially needed it just now. <3

Oh, my heart, the way you write them never ceases to make me adore them even more-- something I've given up on thinking impossible. The last line really made me laugh. Adoration for you and for this! ^^

Really, my love for Aziraphale and Crowley goes without saying, but I also love how you write Anathema and the rest of the Pulsifer-Device family. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it isn't actually canon! :)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 10:06 pm (UTC)

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(CoT 'Verse is so firmly affixed to book canon in my head that I kind of just privately treat it that way; I suppose any writer in fandom does, especially when they've put in that much time and development on world-building and OCs...)

Your little updates and teasers on Twitter continue to keep me on my feet and interested when I manage to be awake. Thank you. It's the least I can do, filling these requests.
[User Picture]From: enchantersnight
2012-07-10 05:47 pm (UTC)

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Giggling along with the Demon & Angel here, big grin on face :)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 10:07 pm (UTC)

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I don't know how Anathema manages those girls, I really don't.

Thank you very much <3
[User Picture]From: stevie_chan
2012-07-10 10:51 pm (UTC)

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Well, I must say I've now managed to finish all these fics XD You have such wonderful writing and this story itself was a wonderful end to my day. They're both such trolls in their own respects, teases.

Those poor girls XD Hahaha~

Or perhaps poor Crowley, being pursued by so many young women.

[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-10 10:59 pm (UTC)

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Or perhaps poor Crowley, being pursued by so many young women.

Between Mandy at the local café and the twins, yes, he's got more than his fair share of university-age female admirers. As I was saying to ida_pea above, I dread the impending likelihood of all three girls and Crowley being in the same place at the same time. I expect all kinds of terrible things to happen, and, if I'm not careful, Aziraphale will most definitely be the perpetrator.

Thank you very much for reading :)
[User Picture]From: mauvais_pli
2012-07-11 07:33 am (UTC)

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I can't help but seeing this as less about Crowley and Aziraphale and more about Anathema and her girls and the thrilling domesticity of that household, spilling over into calmer cottages - it's delightful!
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-11 04:45 pm (UTC)

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You've seen through my ruse, then ;) It really is more about Anathema and the girls, but since Aziraphale and Crowley are my default lenses on this world, as it were, they're the vehicle. Thanks once again, my dear; your comments are brightening my dark little bubble right now ♥
[User Picture]From: hsavinien
2012-07-16 09:14 pm (UTC)

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"You'd better take those potted tomato starters I've left at the foot of the drive. I can't let them stay. It'd be too good for morale."

"Your crazy is incomprehensible," Anathema said, typing away, "but it's cute."
- AWWWWWWW.

*giggles mightily*
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-07-16 11:43 pm (UTC)

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Giggling with you ;) I'm totally with her on that one!

Thank you so much for reading, and a piece of new A/C smut is literally just about to go live...
[User Picture]From: mizstorge
2012-09-21 01:23 pm (UTC)

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"I should know," Aziraphale replied, brushing back Crowley's hair. "It works on you."

Finally! You've revealed the basis for so much of their dynamic! I can see so many times when Aziraphale's thought, "Oh, no! He's off again! There's only one way to calm him down!"

Think how different things would have been had someone tried that with Lucifer before things got out of hand...




Edited at 2012-09-21 01:24 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]From: irisbleufic
2012-09-21 01:27 pm (UTC)

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I have no idea if it would have worked on Lucifer, but that's a funny thought ;)

Thank you!

Edited at 2012-10-23 04:15 am (UTC)